This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
