Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
you traded sex for a burrito?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
