she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm both gender and math confused
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
