are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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