he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Randomize
