Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
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