i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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