My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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