I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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