I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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