You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
In other news, I just burned my penis
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
