I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
