Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
