gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
