I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
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I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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