I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
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