who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
What drink are we having for lunch?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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