alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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