remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
