I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
