His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
