Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
