My sheets look like a crime scene.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
