meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
