I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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