the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize