watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
