I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
