I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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