I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
