im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
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