ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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