dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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