i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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