Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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