My nipple is on Facebook.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
