i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
