sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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