it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
