Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
