I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
