dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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