The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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