someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
