I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
