Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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