Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
