that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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