I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The power of my boobs compel you
Randomize
