He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
