Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
