He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
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She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
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I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.