It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
