We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
