I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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