In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
honey bunches of taint.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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